Cyclothymia

A Glimpse of the Madness

The site I mentioned before, SDN, is, as Adrian Monk would say, both a blessing and a curse. It's that hottie that gives you herpes, the baby with diarrhea, the hangover after a legendary night out. The med school application information there is unbelievably helpful, especially for someone who is somewhat removed from the process like I am. On the other hand, in order to sift through it you have to expose yourself to the craziness that is the pre-med state of mind. And just like the hottie, the baby, and the legendary night out, there is no way to get the full benefit of the information without getting at least a little bit of the disease, shit, or vomit on your (relatively) sane self.

As an academic slacker from way back I can't truly relate, even as I'm slowly infected. For those of you in the real world there is no way you can fully grasp exactly how neurotic these kids are. I thought I'd share my summary of what the forums look like, however, so that you, my (again, relatively) normal friends, can see what I'm surrounded by - and then pity me. Trust me when I say my exaggerations are fairly limited. The topics (repeated over and over and over and over and over with minor variations) can be broken down into three general categories.

A tip for all you aspiring medical school applicants out there.

When it comes time to choose where you will apply, there is only one factor you need to consider: forget about location, cost, strength of the program, hotness of the student body, and just go for the schools that give the earliest interviews and admissions decisions. Because otherwise? Otherwise you will find yourself like me, surrounded by people who are getting interviews and rejections, while your schools can neither shit nor get off the pot. Theoretically no decision is better than a rejection, but this? This is a special kind of torture.

I am bordering on an abusive relationship with my email - obsessed with it and afraid of it at the same time. In the morning I sort of glance at it sideways, to soften the potential blows; when there is nothing there I get pissed and go to all the schools' sites to check the status pages. I almost came home at lunch today because someone told me Vanderbilt will be sending invites by snail mail AND I couldn't access the Wake Forest status page from work. Mayo doesn't have a status page, and they tend to send out the rejection emails in the middle of the night - a friend and I were joking about staying up, and I suggested we set an alarm for three am instead. I MIGHT DO IT. I want to be knocked unconscious for the next two weeks, STAT.* I just want one - let's get it over with. Interview, rejection, WHATEVER, just acknowledge my existence, PLEASE.

*That's medicalese for "right away." As you can see, I'm practically a doctor already.

Write Your Own Rejection Letter

I realize I haven't posted in, oh, FOREVER. But I'm going to remedy that right now. By posting something someone else wrote. Because I'm LAZY.

Dear Dr. AdmissionsDean,

Thank you for your letter of 4/06/08. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your denial of my application to your medical school.

This year I have received an extremely large number of such cease and desist requests. While I try to give every school an opportunity to reject me, I am unable to properly consider all the highly qualified schools that I applied to.

Despite your low average board scores, I am unable to accept your rejection at this time. I wish you the best of luck rejecting the other candidates in this application cycle.

Sincerely,
Maxprime
(insert photocopied signature)

On my own end of things I seem to be holding strong in the admissions cycle. I've made it through a couple of hoops at some top schools, which is neat. They like me! They really like me! Well, maybe not really like me. But then again we haven't even slept together interviewed yet; it's only a matter of time until I have some psycho admissions officer pounding on my door at 3am. Good times ahead, people, good times ahead.

Bring It On

After three years, a few thousand dollars, and countless hours of missed sleep, I have just two days before it is time to hit the submit button and see if any med schools are stupid enough to take me.* It's been so hard juggling this with work. At times I've wondered if I was making a mistake, but now...I am, as they say, all aquiver.

*Lest anyone feel the need to congratulate me on reaching some sort of milestone, this is only the beginning of a long and painful application process. Yes, a long and painful application process that follows the long and painful preparation process. And precedes the long and painful schooling process. Who has two thumbs and no common sense? THIS GIRL!

Officially Done With This Behavior

6 Shots
1 Party Hat
2 Cover Charges
1 Great Band
1 Broken Plant
4 Random Bruises
6 Mardi Gras Necklaces
1 Case of Semi-Public Urination (not me)
1 Angry Note From Neighbor (re: urination)
1 Case of Public Snogging
1 Request to Get A Room
2 Piggy Back Rides
2 Oddly Placed Scratches
1 Spice Girls T-Shirt
3 Cigarettes
1 Disgusting Bathtub
+2 Days Hungover
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1 End of Term Celebration & 1 Permanently Partied Out Girl

Seriously.

Take a class, learn something.

I just handed in my term paper on the developmental sexual dimorphism of the preoptic area of the hypothalmus. Really sounds like a page turner, I know. However, despite the rather dry vocab, sexual differentiation is a truly fascinating process, due in no small part to the voyeuristic, comical, and sometimes sad behavioral testing methods used to measure the effects of various physiological manipulations.

What did you do last night? Oh, watched rats hump each other under a red lamp.

Some of the testing is done under "sub-optimal" conditions, which either means a scary new environment, a less than receptive female (if you feed them a few drinks they stop resisting so much), or, and this is my favorite, restricting access to the receptive female by tethering the male to limit his movement. One tiny little rat harness + one lusty but coy female = some aggravated rats around the water dropper in the morning.

Dude! I was SO ready to go but there was something holding me back. I don't know what it was. Maybe we've just grown apart.

I ended up writing the damn thing in one solid 8 hour stretch because I procrastinated for so fucking long. I had a thorough outline done, but still. Half of me is rather proud of what I managed to pull off, but the other half is kicking myself senseless BECAUSE IT WON'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THAT WAY.

What? You want to fail out of medical school? You want to know only 3/4 of the operation you are doing? You are proud that you have no self-discipline or work ethic? Sit up straight, and eat your breakfast.

Yeah, that part of me is really loud and really annoying.

Oh, one other thing. You might want to read up on the role of COX-II as far as masculinization of the brain during the perinatal period goes. Exposing a perinatal male rat to the potent COX-II inhibitor indomethacina "markedly" impairs adult sexual arousal mechanisms...the poor things just aren't interested when they get older. Latency to mounting? Long. Latency to intromission? Long. Note that's "inTROmission" not "inTERmission". Sadly, there is no half-time show or popcorn in the little tiny rat cages. Honestly, though, there should be SOMETHING to help alleviate the awkward mood. Ejaculation? Never. No word on cuddling.

Why is this relevant, you ask? Well two other (mild) COX inhibitors are asprin and acetaminophen. Yep, rats exposed perinatally to asprin show similar, although reduced, impairment of function as adults. Humans have very similar mechanisms, so the next time you or the guy you're with can't get it up, you can blame it on your/his mother and her filthy asprin addiction (as if you/he hadn't already). And if you're pregnant? How bad is that headache, REALLY? You horrible, horrible mother. See, it always comes down to mothers sucking.

ps. Just in case some fundy out there stumbles across this, mangles the science in their own special way, and starts having urges to go burn down a drugstore - asprin fucks with arousal mechanisms, which are not related to sexual preference. Asprin might make you flaccid and prone to buying sports cars, but it doesn't make Teh Gay.

Projectile Relief

This morning I met with my pre-med advisor* to discuss the Complete Compendium Of the Life and Times Of This Individual I recently submitted. He said lots of supportive things, but I pretty much zoned out after "you will be competitive anywhere you choose to apply" and "you don't have to re-take the MCAT". I have to assume that the immediate wave of nausea and urgent need to pee were due to the insane amount of endorphins my body released in response to the MCAT news. Everybody else who is hit with endorphins gets happy and relaxed. Me? I wet myself and throw up. Which should add some charm to my wedding day.

That means that I really need to seriously figure out where I will be applying. The Boy Toy and I discussed things last night, and he has pretty much exactly the same thoughts I do: west coast great, warmth of the south great, Boston...well, it's home, so we could both live with it. I am always amazed at how compatible we are, but maybe I just had ridiculously low standards.

* Whenever I utter that phrase it makes me feel like I should go buy some ramen noodles and put on my favorite "I'm a slutty whore, but I embrace it, so I must be enlightened!" shirt. Not that, uh, that's who I was at 18. Noooooooooo.

Can't Talk No More

I realize that posting has been rather, ah, sparse of late. I'm not dead, dying, or living with both hands in casts, it's simply personal inventory time, also known as "only the beginning of the endless stream of essays you will be asked to spit out as a medical school applicant." I have been doing nothing with my free time lately except writing about my life, and what a special fucking little snowflake I am. Earnestly, honestly, and ever so poignantly of course. I've finished the first twelve essays, and I have nothing more to say. Unfortunately, I have two essays left to write: describe the people who have been significant to me, and describe a challenging ethical situation I've encountered.

The first will be about my physician father who passed away while tending to a malaria-stricken village in sub-saharan Africa. Some of my fondest memories are of kneeling beside him in the battlefield while suturing the wounds of child-soldiers fighting for freedom from whatever repressive regime was in power at the time. I would tell you which regime it was, except that I don't clearly remember. I was only five, and my free time was spent studying mandarin, not local politics. My only regret is that in my grief I forgot to write down the cure for HIV we had discovered together. I plan to spend my summer finding it again, I know it's around somewhere.

The second essay will be about the ethical challenges I've faced while cheating on my taxes. I've struggled with this issue because I care so deeply about honesty, but I also enjoy keeping my money, and in the end I feel lying is for the greater good. After all, Mr. Bush wants me, the Consumer, to spend, spend, spend! I can't do that if I'm giving my money to the government, right? In fact, at the end of the day telling the truth every April would be tantamount to treason, and I hate terrorists.

The end.

Just Be Honest With Yourself

I find it to be strangely apt that spellcheck wants me to change "Neuroscience" to:

• Pseudoscience
• Omniscience
• Conscienceless
• Prescience

Simulated Restraint

My descent into unemployed slackerhood is complete - I got Sims 2. Until now, despite the great reviews it received, I've avoided The Sims, and frankly all RPGs, because I'm a raving nerd trapped in a functional human being's life, and knew that I couldn't risk letting the monster out. Well, the monster, she is out in full force.

I have an ochem exam on Thurs (will be going out for drinks afterward theoretically if anyone is interested), but my college sim is doing really well in her classes, so I'm sure I will too. If you haven't seen or heard from me in a week, please come over and shove my greasy, sleep-deprived ass in a hot shower. Just leave my front end out so that I can still reach the computer.