Cyclothymia

Last One, I Swear

This will be the last political post, since I'm preaching to the choir and all. And because it's the last one, it's a novel. Hehe. I realize I've been a little giddy, and very ungracious about the recent elections. You have to keep in mind, however, that during the 2000 elections I was living in Omaha, NE. I have to say, the people there were very nice about our political differences, but they sure as hell didn't disguise their unbridled joy at installing Bush. I suppose some of them might even say that their joy then was the same in nature as my joy now. They were so anti-Clinton that I think a monkey could have won their vote if it identified as republican and born-again christian. Of course, monkeys are smarter than that, so we got Bush instead.

A Word, If I May

Some suggested uses for the newly minted democratic mandate*.

• I think the newly elected Jim Webb (D-VA), and Jon Tester (D-MO) had better establish early on that just because they're democrats doesn't mean they're soft on terror. I have it on good intelligence that Tennessee and Wyoming are both filled with armed militants, which clearly makes them terrorist states, and THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR! Trust me, the fact that they both happen to be red states has nothing to do with anything; we will find those weapons. It's really a toss up whether Webb or Tester will have more fun. On the one hand Webb gets to royally piss off the 49.28% of his state that voted for his opponent (bet that stings...but that's the beauty of a MANDATE), and on the other hand Tester will be taking out Wyoming, which is something like the 3rd** reddest state. Really, why choose? It's fun for everyone. Except the terrorists in Tennessee and Wyoming.
• My friend Dubya told me that John Kerry says all of our fighting men and women are stupid. I think John Kerry is pretty smart, despite his veteran status leading to an epimenides paradox, so it must be true that we're being defended by idiots. I say we can kill two birds with one stone by selling all of our soldiers' equipment evenly amongst the different Iraqi factions. Then we bring the soldiers home, and use the funds raised from the sale to send the poor, lazy, uneducated bastards to school. Not only are we taking care of our own, but that way the Iraqi civil war will go a lot faster. Do you have any idea how often a circa 1950's Kalashnikov jams? Like, every five rounds, that's how often. It would take them forever to finish a civil war armed that way.
• We all know American Families are under attack from many insidious influences. Therefore, I propose an amendment to the constitution banning all evangelical christian leaders from being seen in public. I'm guessing it is safe to assume that they are all gay, under the "methinks thou doest protest too much" premise, but that is not the problem. The problem is that they are heinously, hideously, fashionlessly gay. The uniform of white short-sleeve button down shirt with navy slacks, shitty shoes, and a comb-over is SO WRONG. Where is the playful mixing of the secondary pallet? The ballsy shaved head? For the love of god, where are the accessories?! This is an evil abomination in the eyes of our lord Style and his only begotten son Taste, and we must shield our impressionable young children from its inexplicable siren call post haste. 

* I don't really like the term mandate. It reeks of elephant. I think from here on out I'm going to go with donkeydate. It's not tainted and has all sorts of lovely, vaguely offensive, liberal overtones.

** I swear, I tried to google this, so as to avoid spouting feces covered numbers, but do you have any idea how many different states are vying for the title of "Reddest State"? I mean, really. Texas, I buy. Utah, I buy. New York? NOT SO MUCH. Poor deluded republican blogger, you are a testament to the power of denial.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Dear Mr. Bush,

I am writing to you because the people have spoken, and apparently they seem to be a little pissed off at your buddies in office. There's even talk of a very clear "mandate". Puhlease, when you had a "mandate" you had a much larger margin of victory. Wait, you didn't? Oh, pish, the popular vote doesn't mean anything, those people are probably just a bunch of pansy-assed, pro-terrorism, anti-family, atheist homos. I hear most of them don't even hunt. You had it where it matters, the electoral college baby! And in 2004 you had both - by a full 2.4% no less! You're the MAN. Man in charge with a big ole' MANDATE, that is.

The Virginia Senate seat was declared for the democrat Jim Webb by a downright pitiful 0.33%, and Montana by a barely better 1.75% for Jon Tester (D). Unfortunately, as you know, this means that the control of the house, senate, and majority of governorships are now in democratic hands. I am as appalled as you are. Following your decisive victories in 2000 and 2004, you tried only to implement the will of the people, and those ungrateful bastards don't seem to appreciate it.

You know what I think it might be? I'm sure some of your advisors may have brought this up already, but just in case; I think it might be the war on Iraq. Er. I mean terror, war on TERROR. I really don't understand why people don't realize that the democrats are going to feed our babies to Osama bin Laden, you made it as clear as is humanly possible. Osama bin Laden = 9/11 = Saddam Hussein = Weapons of Mass Destruction = Evolution.

Just between you and me, you probably shouldn't have declared victory before, you know, the civil war had even gotten properly started over there. Hehe, that's a bit of egg on your face, huh? But, I can understand your excitement; it's that heady smell of oil, it's intoxicating for me too. The last time I stole billions of dollars of natural resources I ended up doing 6 tequila shots, stripped naked, and gave Rumsfeld a blow job. Don't worry, I'm female. At least I didn't invite CNN. I did hang a banner saying "Nyah, Nyah Condi!" Nobody's perfect.

Well, anyway, I'm sure you're in a little bit of shock. But you have to understand, the populous is really, really self-absorbed. They don't have your vision, plus they're really fucking whiny. "I have no joooooooooob" they say. "I have no healthcare!" "I don't want religion taking over my country..." Blah, blah, blah. Cry me a river. They don't understand that jobs have to be lost at the bottom to save money for the top! I mean Jesus H. Christ, it's so basic, no wonder they're unemployed!

And helloooooooooo, securing the Iraqi safety comes at a price, and that price just happens to be tens of thousands of Iraqis. Sure, those ones aren't safe, and our soldiers aren't safe, but the oil....well, the oil isn't safe either. Minor details. Their ridiculous zeal for the facts almost makes you think evolution might be true...clearly some of these "people" have the IQ of a monkey. KIDDING! That's crazy talk; no matter how retarded they are, we know God made them in his image. His retarded image.

So, I guess that's that. You are going to have a tough time implementing the rest of your mandate and the people's vision without the senate or house. But, on the upside, if you aren't going to be able to get anything done, no one will fault you for giving up and spending the rest of your term at the ranch. Just keep in mind, you do have the supreme court on your side, so maybe you can get those nasty results reversed. Fingers crossed. Better yet, I'll pray for you!

Your loyal fan,
Bree